


Wake

by GrittyReboot



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 10:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3973906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrittyReboot/pseuds/GrittyReboot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the worst kind of wrong, to want Barry that way, at the worst possible time... It was wrong to not want to stop, but she couldn't stop, she needed every part of him, and she needed him to end it because she couldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just had to, after that finale, how could I not?

She had to get away from that wake, she couldn't take the stares, those "poor Iris" stares. Especially from her. Caitlin knew exactly how it felt to lose the one she loved, the difference was she got Ronnie back. And Iris knew just how terrible Caitlin felt for still getting to be so happy. Eddie wasn't coming back, it wasn't some big explosion straight out of a sci fi movie that took her kind, brave, hero away from her. He wouldn't crawl out of the rubble with some amazing power, fated to protect Central City. He wouldn't get a second chance.

Eddie being gone was bad enough without the guilt, the endless nagging voice in her head that kept her up every night since he died in her arms, that voice that called her a liar, a cheat, an emotional parasite that Eddie never deserved and never truly knew. Because as much as she loved Eddie, and as much as she forced herself to deny that anything else was true, Eddie was never the only one she loved.

Barry was so good about all of it, holding her as she cried. The only thing that kept them from falling apart was each other, and she knew Barry swallowed his own guilt for her sake. The really sad thing was if it weren't for everything that had happened, it would have felt a lot like old times, a lot like home. The three of them sharing the same house again, leaning on each other, it shouldn't have felt as right and familiar as it did. Cooking pancakes in the morning because they had to eat, watching Netflix on the couch with Barry to drown out the silence, staying in their pajamas for days on end. Without the dark, heavy cloud over everything, the last few days would have felt a lot like the way things should have been, the way that always felt so right, and the thought of that tore Iris apart inside.

She didn't know why she fought her tears so hard, she was supposed to be crying, girls with dead boyfriends cried, it's what they did. But she hated them, running her mascara, reddening her eyes, she hadn't earned the right to look like someone who was 100 percent sure about and committed to the man that had sacrificed himself to save them all.

"Iris?"

She expected someone would come looking for her eventually. She had been in the upstairs bathroom of Eddie's parents house, sitting on the counter for the past half hour, and when Barry knocked once and slowly opened the door, she couldn't help crying harder at the sight of her best friend.

"Iris, hey," he whispered, closing the door behind him and going up to her, placing his hands on her shaking shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she choked out. "I just need a minute."

"Take as long as you want, I'm here, I'm right here," Barry whispered, taking her into his arms in a solid hug.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't, don't be sorry, just try to breath okay," he said, rubbing her back up and down.

She pulled away from him, wiping the tears off of her cheeks. She saw the pain in his eyes. If he hadn't changed his mind about saving Nora, Eddie might have lived, things would have been different, but he could have lived. She knew that the same thing ran through Barry's mind every second too.

"Tell me it wasn't my fault Iris," he said softly.

"It wasn't your fault," she said quietly.

"I don't know if I believe that."

It was him that began to cry then, big, hot tears that she knew he had been holding onto ever since it happened. She expected it sooner to be honest. She pulled him into her embrace and they held each other there for what felt like too long yet not nearly long enough.

"He pulled the trigger Barry, it was his choice, nobody else's okay? Don't blame yourself, please." She kissed him softly on his tear stained cheek, and again on the side of his mouth, gentle, comforting kisses that should have gone no further, but by the time her mouth was on his she barely realized it. She shouldn't have done it, she shouldn't have kept doing it, but to kiss Barry, really kiss him the way she had tried so hard for so long not to think about doing, it didn't make the pain go away, but it dulled it for the moment. It wasn't like them, everything about Iris and Barry used to be warm and friendly and family and easy. This Iris and Barry, kissing against a bathroom counter at a wake, they were desperate and sad and needy, clinging hard to each other so they didn't fall apart. It was the worst kind of wrong, to want Barry that way, at the worst possible time, to find a sick sort of comfort in his wet mouth against her neck, in his hands, untucking her shirt, creeping underneath and touching her skin. It was wrong to not want to stop, but she couldn't stop, she needed every part of him, and she needed him to end it because she couldn't.

"No, Iris stop, we can't do this," he said, pulling away. The tears had stopped when she kissed him, they went back inside and she could breathe again. As Barry pulled away they came back just as fast, and just as hard, harder even.

"Oh my God, I'm horrible, I'm the worst person in the world," she cried.

"Iris--

"What am I doing? How could I betray him like this? This is his wake I can't be kissing you at Eddie's wake. I'm a monster!"

Before she knew what was happening she was on the floor, and Barry was crouched over her, his hand on her shaking back.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore Barry, I just want it to stop"

"It will, I promise" he assured her, knowing from experience

"I wasn't going to stay," she whispered.

"What?

"I wasn't going to stay with him," Iris admitted. "I knew it, but I didn't want to know it. I wanted us to work, I wanted to love him the way he deserved. But if he had lived, somewhere down the line, I would have broken his heart."

"I don't believe that. I believe you loved him that much, even if you don't see it, I did."

"Did I?" her question hung in the air, she didn't expect him to have an answer, if anything she was asking herself.

_"Iris, baby, are you okay?"_

At the sound of the light knocking on the door and her father's voice on the other side they both stood up. Her bra strap was down, her blouse was still untucked and her lipstick was smudged all over Barry's face. They quickly destroyed the evidence of their unexpected passion as they assured Joe they were okay and coming out.  
She took one last deep breath before opening the door. "Hey, how're you holding up?" Joe said, his dewy eyes sympathetic and apparently unsuspecting of what had just transpired between Barry and Iris in the bathroom. "Is that a stupid question?"

She tried to smile as she put one arm around Joe's waist.

"I know I can't stay up here forever," she said as they started back downstairs. She took one last look at Barry, a silent promise that somehow, they would figure this thing out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You loved Eddie, what happened between us, that doesn't change that. And what's done is done. I say we move past it and just try to... be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you asked so nicely here and FF.net, I decided to lengthen this to a three parter.

She had a hickey, her best friend gave her a hickey at her boyfriend's wake. It was like a red, glowing reminder of her horrible, unforgivable mistake. Nobody commented on it, either because they didn't see it or because they didn't want to embarrass her. Either way, she was grateful. If Eddie could have seen her, seen them, all over each other. How he would have hated her. The grass hadn't even filled in on his grave before she hopped onto someone else, the same someone that she nearly let ruin things before.  
She heard the familiar whoosh downstairs. Barry was home. It was hard for him to put the suit back on at first, with everything that happened. But he knew, they all knew that they had started something they had to see through. Even she had to go back to work on Monday, but for the time being she decided to make the best of her last weekend of bereavement leave, if that was even possible. Barry and Iris had been tiptoeing around each other the entire day before, and when she woke up that morning he was gone. It scared her a little to realize just how little she wanted him to be gone. The awkwardness and silence hurt, but not as much as not having him there at all. At the sound of him returning home, she combed her long, dark hair over her bruised neck with her fingers and slowly started downstairs.

"Hey Bear," She whispered, leaning against the banister.

"Hey," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, I slept a little today, I guess something had to give after nearly a week of laying awake," She said. "I had a lot of these bizarre dreams though, made it kind of hard to stay asleep more than an hour or so at a time."

"Well, um, if you're not tired I guess we could always put another dent in House of Cards."

She shook her head quietly, he looked so sweet, so sad. All he wanted was to make everything right, and not being able to was a feeling he'd become a little too used to.

"I think I'm going to pass on House of Cards tonight actually," She said. "I'm still not quite over what happened to Peter."

"Yeah, that was stupid... stupid suggestion."

"No, it's fine, I mean, I think I'll be ready eventually. It's just, Peter was such a great character, I really wished he would have had a chance, you know?"

She didn't realize that she had been crying until Barry was there, right next to her, thumbing away her tears.

"I liked Peter too Iris." He said sadly.

"How about something happy?" she suggested, trying to sound as positive as she could manage. "How about Legally Blonde, I know you love that movie, don't even try to pretend like you don't."

"Legally Blonde sounds great, I'll make the popcorn."

She fell asleep at around the time Elle quit the internship and when her eyes fluttered open she felt as if she were floating, there was no couch beneath her. She looked up to see Barry's face in the dim hallway light and she realized he was carrying her to her room. He pushed her bedroom door open and crossed the room to lay her down on the unmade bed, and draped her covers over her before turning to leave.

"Barry?" she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Please stay with me." She said, too tired to think logically. She shouldn't have asked him to stay, it wasn't as if things suddenly stopped being weird. Usually when they watched Netflix together she'd put her head on his shoulder, or her feet in his lap. Even when she dated Eddie they sat close enough to share the same popcorn bowl without passing it back and forth over the wide expanse of the couch. That night had been different, them sitting on opposite ends just wasn't something they did. She couldn't explain it but she wanted him closer, the whole time all she wanted to do was scoot over and invade his personal space the way she used to. Eddie was gone, she couldn't lose Barry too.  
"Yeah," he said a bit hesitantly. "I'll stay."

He slept over the covers, close enough to the edge to fall off, but he was still there, and she slept a peaceful, dreamless sleep knowing that.  
He was the first thing she saw when she woke up, during the night he must have shifted in his sleep a lot because he was under the covers and facing her, his arm draped around her waist. She should have moved away, she shouldn't have asked him to stay with her in the first place, she shouldn't have kissed him.

"Barry?" she said.

"Yeah, wha-- hi-- good morning," he stammered wiping a bit of drool from the corner of his mouth. "How'd you sleep--

"Barry, we need to talk."

He sighed heavily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and they both sat up in her bed, not speaking for several moments.

"About what happened, I'm sorry," Barry said. "I should have ended it as soon as it started I mean you were vulnerable and--

"You were too Bear," She said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "And... and I didn't want you to stop."

"Iris--

"I didn't want you to stop Barry," she repeated... dropping her hand from his shoulder. "When we were together everything else just fell away. I was better, I was okay, I mean it was only for a moment but it was enough. And I don't know what to do. This is so, so wrong I mean, Eddie is dead, he just died and how do I honor his memory?"

"Listen to me, you didn't do anything wrong okay," he promised cupping her sad face in his hands. "People grieve in different ways, remember after my mom died, all I wanted to do was build model airplanes? There must have been 100 of them hanging from my ceiling by the time I was ready to deal with it."

"I really don't think that's the same thing."

"Okay, maybe that wasn't the most apt comparison. But what I said still stands. You loved Eddie, what happened between us, that doesn't change that. And what's done is done. I say we move past it and just try to... be."

"How?" she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Look," she continued, sweeping her long hair out of the way. 

"Oh god. Iris I am so sorry, I didn't mean to... brand you," he said at the sight of the maroon mark.

She laughed, partially because it was funny, partially to keep from crying. 

"Barry, I know what happened was messed up," She said. "But I also know that being close to you makes this easier, being close to you makes everything easier, it always has."

"You do that, for me too." he admitted. "Eddie was a good man, and I would never want to do anything that he wouldn't want."

She understood, what happened before couldn't happen again. Barry told her he loved her before Eddie died, and Eddie knew. It would never be normal between them if they were to go down that road.

"As long as we're still best friends," Iris said.

"Always," He hugged her first that time, and she hugged back, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, wetting his collar with her tears. They stayed like that for awhile. She wouldn't let him pull away, but he didn't seem to protest much. She released him only when her leg began to cramp from sitting in that position for too long.

"You going to be okay?" he said, brushing his knuckles across her wet cheek. And she nodded.

"Barry?" she said, staring intensely at him, his green eyes his freckles, his face so long ago committed to memory, and another face invaded her mind unexpectedly, Eddie's face, the one she would never see again outside of pictures and her thoughts. 

"What is it?"

She didn't speak. And she couldn't stop herself from kissing him again.

There will be one additional chapter posted tomorrow, stay tuned folks!


	3. Chapter 3

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Iris nearly shouted. It only lasted a second that time. If she hadn't broken it she knew that Barry would have just as fast.

"Nothing is wrong with you, you're just sad."

"This isn't what sad people do. This isn't sad, this is psychotic. They should ship me off to Arkham with all those Gotham City lunatics. Did you know there's a man out there who dresses like a Bat and beats people up? And he's one of the good ones, I'd be right at home there."

"Listen it-

"Can you go?"

"Iris-

"Please go Barry," she said firmly but not angrily. "It's not you. You're not the problem. I'm the problem. I just really need you to leave."

He exhaled sharply and gave her a small smile, combing her hair down over her neck.

"If you need me I'll be at Star Labs okay?" He said. She nodded, and he was out the door in less than a blink of an eye.  
****  
Caitlin, Cisco and Barry still weren't quite sure what to do going forward. Without Wells there it was difficult to know what their next move was. Dr. Stein helped where he could, but for the most part they were making things up as they went. And every time Barry walked through those doors he was reminded of the long hard road ahead.

"Hey Buddy," Cisco said, addressing Barry a bit like a homeless puppy. "How're you holding up?"

"Yeah, and how's Iris?" Caitlin chimed in. If things were normal, she'd be on her honeymoon, but things were far from normal.

"Well, we're both hanging in there, except... well I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell."

"What? Why?" Cisco said, dropping the wrench he was using to tighten the bolts on some damaged machinery.

"You can't tell anybody this okay but, me and Iris. Well, we sort of made out a little at the wake."

"Dayumn son," Cisco said quietly.

"Barry, how could you?" Caitlin said.

"I don't know, I mean I wasn't trying anything I swear, I would never, ever even think to do that. But she was hiding out in the bathroom and I went to talk to her, and it just... sort of happened. I don't even understand it myself."

"Well, listen Barry," Caitlin said, clearly already regretting her hostile initial reaction. "You've both been through a lot this week, more than anyone should ever have to go through.

"And you know, it's not like it was cheating, I mean, he is kind of singularity food right now."

"Cisco!"

"I joke to mask the pain, deal with it," Cisco shot back to Caitlin.

"All I know is it can't happen again, it's too weird. I mean, it's weird right?" Barry asked.

"Yeah, there's no way Iris is ready for this. I know I wouldn't have been," Caitlin said.

"Look, I love Iris okay, and I wouldn't want to do anything to confuse her right now, I think maybe it's better that I just stay away."

"Stay away? You can't stay away, you're her best friend dude, she needs you," Cisco said.

"She doesn't need this, she knows how I feel about her and me being around is just making everything too messy."

"Well it's not like she doesn't feel the same way about you."

"Cisco are you actually suggesting what I think you are?" Caitlin said.

"I'm not suggesting anything, just maybe there's more to this whole thing than Iris being in a bad place right now."

"Look, this isn't going to happen again okay, I'm not going to be that guy. Eddie was a hero and he had to sacrifice himself because I was selfish, there's no good in that. I don't deserve to be any sort of happy for a very long time, not with Iris."

Caitlin pushed the box of kleenex over to him, and he accepted it quietly, taking a few and rubbing his eyes a little too roughly.

"What happened to Eddie wasn't your fault you can't blame yourself for that." Caitlin said.

"I didn't have to go back, I didn't have to risk everything to save my mom, especially since I couldn't even do that."

"Barry, if you don't let go of this, it's going to crush you man. You have to let it go," Cisco said.

"That's what Iris said too," Barry said, still sniffling. "And she said I make everything better, but I don't. I only make things worse."

"That is not true Bear."

They turned to see her standing in the doorway, her hair still limp, her face makeup free, dressed down in the same long sleeved t-shirt and yoga pants she had been wearing before, she must have hopped in her car a few minutes after Barry left.

"So do you just always wait until the perfect vocal cue to walk in here?" Cisco joked as Iris entered.

"I'm not going to lie, I kind of do," Iris said with a weak smile, shrugging. "Barry, can we talk?"

"Yeah, yeah, we can talk," Barry said, getting up and wiping the remainder of his stray tears.

They met in the hallway, standing apart, both shifting their feet and staring at the ground.'

"I'm sorry, about today... and about the day before," Iris said. "My mom died when I was really young, and until you left us for nine months I never really knew what it was like to lose someone. It turns out I'm really bad at it."

Barry chuckled a little through his tears. 

"I can't pretend that I didn't feel what I felt for you when Eddie was alive, can I?"

"I don't know, I can't tell you that."

"No, I can't, it's pointless," Iris said. "Eddie knew, he knew that you were more to me than a friend. He died knowing that."

"He died knowing that you loved him, I saw it."

"Maybe. I hope so."

"He did."

"This is going to hurt less at some point isn't it?"

"It'll take time, but yeah it will."

She nodded softly. "I hope so. And I won't pretend. I did have feelings for you when Eddie was alive. That's the truth that I have to live with."

"And that's okay, it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you felt the way you felt. We both did."

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "And you know we can't do this right? It's just...

"Too soon," Barry said.

"Too soon," Iris agreed.

"Listen, how about we go somewhere, like a walk or something?"Barry said. "I think we both kind of need to get some air don't you?

"Yeah, I'd like that."

**Epilogue: 6 months later**

It was a night like any other when Iris came to his room. He didn't know what to expect. Eddie had been gone for six months, and although she still missed him every day, the worst of it had passed, she could think back on their time together with fondness instead of crushing regret. And she kept her physical distance from Barry like she promised. He did make her feel numb to all of the pain she had felt in the wake of Eddies death, but she realized she didn't want to feel numb to it, she wanted to feel the weight of his absence because it was the only feeling that made sense. They still lived under the same roof, still ate breakfast together, still had their Netflix marathons, but a repeat of the bathroom incident never happened, and they had to admit they were better for it. So when she came into his room that night, he didn't know what to expect.

"Hey Barry," she whispered, waking him up.

"Hey, what's up?" he said sleepily.

"I think I'm ready," she said.

"Ready for what, do you mean...

As he trailed off, she held up the remote and a bag of microwave popcorn.

" _House of Cards_ , did you want to?"

After marathoning the series for a straight ten hours they realized the way they were laying, her head on his lap, his elbow resting on her hip. And she didn't feel the need move away that time, and she didn't move away as the credits rolled and he shifted his body on top of her and kissed her softly.

"Is this okay?" he whispered against her mouth.

"I don't know, is it okay for you?" 

He kissed her again, deeper that time. "Yeah, I think it is."

She nodded, and let him kiss her again. No guilt, no confusion, just them.  
***  
The next day they walked hand in hand through the cemetery, needing to do one last thing before they could continue to dinner. There was nothing beneath them, they both knew Eddie's body was stuck in an alternate timeline, that the headstone was purely symbolic, but it was all they had to talk to anymore.

"Hey Eddie," Iris said, laying a rose on the grass in front of the headstone reading Edward Thawne. "I brought Barry here because, well the truth is we wanted to ask for your blessing. Our first real date is tonight and I just really need to make sure that you're at peace with this I don't think I could go knowing that you weren't. I don't expect a sign or anything, but feel free to scramble my TV or move my stuff around if you're not okay with this." In spite of the joke her voice cracked a little, and Barry squeezed her hand and kissed her softly on the temple, urging her on. "I just hope you're happy wherever you are, I hope you're somewhere slaying demons with your kickass archangel girlfriend. In any case, know that I love you, that I'll always think of you. Barry, did you have anything you wanted to say?"

"Um hey Eddie," Barry started awkwardly. "I can't really say anything that hasn't been said a million times, by all of the people who loved you. You may not have been able to run at mach 2, or hop dimensions, but you didn't need to, you had something even more special. You were the best of us Eddie. The very best."

She squeezed his hand back as they took one final moment to process everything that had changed, everything that would continue to change. They had their entire lives ahead of them because of Eddie Thawne, and as much as it would hurt sometimes, they knew that the best way to honor their friend, was to live the life he made possible.

That's all folks!


End file.
